I Told Aimee Mullins Something I've Been Afraid to Write About
Inspiration.
It’s a word Jordan hears from people from time to time. For a while, I just smiled and let it slide. But after she won a sports inspiration award earlier this year, “inspiration” felt heavy. It expects a lot from a seven-year-old. Especially a person who is just figuring herself out. I’ve struggled with this thought but I’ve had a hard time verbalizing it or knowing who would understand it if I brought this up.
Until tonight.
Jordan and I had a chance to attend a speech by Aimee Mullins at the University of Missouri campus this evening as a part of the Delta Gamma Lectureships Series. I’ve never had a chance to see her speak in person, but I’ve watched her collection of awesome TED talks. She speaks on overcoming adversity and empowering women… and really, anyone. I was so excited to have a chance to bring Jordan to the event, even though I am certain she was the youngest person in the audience.
What was really cool about Mullins’ talk tonight was how she touched on so many lessons I’m trying to teach both of my kids: We can all learn to adapt to change if we learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. (Don’t let fear of failure hold you back.) She spoke how those who are the most adaptable to change are the ones who survive. She even talked about how she does regularly accountability checks about herself… Not the self judgement kind, the self assessment type of accountability. I love it.
Jordan has grown up understanding some of those concepts naturally. Our opportunities through Born Just Right have also allowed her to meet so many incredible people who live life in a positive way. She understands almost intuitively that a physical difference does not have to be a disability. You can live a positive life and not allow the disability to define you. As Mullins says, a disability is anything that undermines our capabilities. We celebrate the life experiences that have come with Jordan’s limb difference.
So I asked Mullins how she handles it when someone tells her she’s an inspiration when she’s simply living her life. I’m not sure how to react and I certainly don’t know how to help Jordan understand what it means. Mullins’ answer helped me put this into a little more perspective.
Mullins agrees with me. The word “inspiration” has been made into a one dimensional word. It’s overused and over time, it’s lost meaning. A person who is framed as “inspirational” is not always given the chance to be more than an inspiration. It also robs that person of the option of failure. And no one is perfect. No one. Mullins mentioned she’s aggravated when someone uses a picture of her running or looking awesome while modeling and adds terms like, “If she can do it. You can do it.” That assumption ignores the possibility that each of us has our own challenges to overcome and they could be bigger than two prosthetic legs. You can’t make these assumptions. Inspiration is often relegated to the final four minutes of newscasts.
So how does she handle the “You’re so inspirational” comments? Mullins usually responds with, “Oh really, why?” And if someone has a real reason why, (like how she has learned to take risks and not box herself in by others’ expectations,) she’ll own up to that compliment and appreciate it. But if the person responds with a vague reason that isn’t thoughtful, she moves past the compliment.
I’m going to be honest. It’s a relief to hear someone else struggle with this word. When I mentioned this online while I was writing this post, I found out at least one other woman with a limb difference feels the same way. I’m clearly not alone. I’m not saying we stop using the word inspiration. I’ve used it a number of times on this website. But I know I’m much more thoughtful about its use as I watch my daughter grow and I hear the word used often.
I want to send a special thanks to Aimee Mullins for taking a moment to talk to Jordan after her speech. She even signed one of Jordan’s old, tiny helper arms. It’s pretty special and Jordan legitimately appreciated it. (Jordan also liked seeing pictures of Mullins’ helper legs… especially ones that looks like cowboy boots. Those are awesome.)
Mullin’s presentation was fantastic; I walked away with much more than I anticipated. My favorite part of the entire night was when she reflected on how her parents were given the prognosis, “she will never walk.” Then you look at what her determination and prosthesis did for her, and the doctor couldn’t have been more wrong.
Your question about the word inspiration was stellar. I had never considered the perspective that the compliment could be shallow, and I now check myself before using that word. Very glad you asked!
Thank you on behalf of all the mom’s of children with challenges for asking this question. I’ve watched my daughter struggle with the burden of being an inspiration for years, never really knowing how to handle it as it just makes her uncomfortable.
I only wish I was half as brilliant in parenting my daughter as you are with yours. Hugs to both of you.
I’m honored, Di. Thanks.
What a pleasure that must have been to meet and talk with Aimee Mullins. I have watched her TED talks and just love what she has to say. I have also struggled with the word inspiration lately. There are lots of pics of limb different kids/adults doing amazing or just plain ordinary things on places like Facebook and a lot of the time people caption it with them being an inspiration. I’m worried that telling our limb different kids they are inspiring for doing ordinary things puts a lot of pressure on them. I want to be able to celebrate the ordinary things that Ella is able to accomplish but not make her think she is special because of it. I want her to grow up knowing she is a special person because of who she is and not because of her arm only. Thanks for sharing your family’s experiences with the limb different community. Even though you may not know it you have been a big help to us in making our way through our limb different challenges. Thanks
Thanks so much, Melissa. I’m so glad we have places like this to discuss and work through our struggles and questions. I’m learning how to parent on the fly! It feels great to be able to get input from everyone… From Aimee Mullins to each and every reader. Everyone’s experiences help me do a better job raising my kids!
Great question, Jen! It IS a lot for a seven year old to cope with and although every person who meets Jordan is impressed that she’s living such a full life, it’s not fair to your daughter to make her respond to comments like ‘you are such an inspiration’. She’s a kid, who is just trying to be a kid, which happens to remind people that life is about more than appearances.
That was the perfect question to ask Aimee, esp since she has lived with her prosthetics since she was a child too, and didnt lose her limbs as an adult, so she’s just learned to adapt to life as it came at her.
I too enjoy her TED talks and am writing a post that will incorporate them, for GeekMom.com. I will also be giving a talk at our local high school Diversity Days, sharing with the kids about the fact that amputees today no longer hide their prosthetics, but celebrate them instead. Aimees pics and talks will be part of my presentation.
Great post. So glad you got to meet Aimee! I will be back in Columbia next week, for just one day, and I wish her talk had fallen on that day so I could have caught her! Love the pics of her with Jordan. Definitely frame worthy!
Judy
THANK YOU for putting into words what I have been feeling since before we even brought Elijah home. It’s something that most people don’t understand, but your post hit the nail right on the head.
Are you teaching Jordan how to respond to the inspiration statements, or are you sitting back and letting her figure it out on her own? Elijah is just now two, but at least once a day we get the inspiration comments. I guess people just assume that since he was only born with one leg he should never be able to walk. Friends of ours have also said to their children (in front of us and Elijah), ‘he only has two fingers and he can use a fork, why can’t you?’ It shocked me that they would say that, as I felt it was a direct insult to him.
I struggle with how to prepare Elijah to be gracious to those people, yet understand that it is not his responsibility to inspire others.
@Shannon – At this point, I kind of encourage Jordan to say thank you because I have yet to be able to define “inspiration” in a way that makes sense to her. But after talking to Aimee, I plan to teach her to say, “Oh really? Why?” I think the word deserves explanation. A flat “You’re inspirational” is a bit much. But if there’s something like – “Jordan, you inspire me because you try and try and try and it helps me remember to keep trying when I need to figure something out.” – I think she should say thank you and be proud.
@Ellen – Exactly!! The generic term doesn’t work. And it’s where I’ve felt uncomfortable. I’m SO glad I asked Aimee and came clean with my challenges with this word.
This is awesome, all around—that you got to hear Aimee talk, that Jordan met her, the brilliant answer she gave. I’ve had mixed feelings when people have said this about Max, because this is a kid who has really overcome a lot—particularly, learning to walk when we were told he might never walk. He has amazing determination. When framed in that context, I haven’t minded. But when people just generically say he’s an inspiration—as you say, for just living life—it rubs the wrong way.
I’m so glad I can learn from your experiences while Fern is still a baby. I can’t imagine the difference in being a parent of a limb different kid before the internet!
That’s something Aimee discussed last night, Rachel. She didn’t even know there were legs made for running until she competed for the first time in wooden legs!
[…] Jordan has won a special inspiration award. It also isn’t the first time I’ve struggled with the word “inspiration.”) You might also enjoy these posts: An Inspirational […]
[…] And yes, Jordan has met famous people. (Like that one time when she had a private moment with Aimee Mullins.) I have a big raffle I plan to launch right here on this website and possibly on other blogs to […]